Dear Sidney,
Last week my wife bought me a small Terrier as a birthday present. I was overjoyed, to say the least, as I had been sorely missing my previous animal companion, an albino rat named Nibbles, since he died last year.
A problem arose, however, when I went to give little Terry a bath yesterday. As I lowered him into the water I could swear I heard a slight hissing and popping noise, after which he promptly leapt out of the tub and ran around in a circle for the next half an hour. I was so frightened it was all I could do to stand on the toilet and shriek in a most distressed voice in hopes he would stop.
Since then he has calmed down significantly, but is now acting very strange. He is often trying to walk on only two legs, won’t eat a thing, and has adopted the bad habit of barking monotonously at regular intervals.
Is there any way of asking my wife, without offending her, if she had somehow given me a mechanical dog instead of a real one? I don’t want to cause a fuss, and I’m sure it would be an honest mistake, but I can’t help but feel he’s somehow shorted out...
Sincerely,
Little Dog Lover
Well, LDL, I think it’s well within your rights to find out if your mutt is an android or not. I’ve heard stories of pet shorting out and turning on their masters when they least expect it. You watch— lack of apetite and strange walking today, gnawing your leg off tomorrow.
If you really don’t want to confront your wife, my suggestion is to turn a hose on the little bugger. A mechanical dog should be waterproof, even if it’s a cheap model, but if this had an effect before you might be able to recreate it and know for sure. If he still acts weird, take him to a vet; they’ll let you know for sure. Don’t let your guard down though! Those rogue andy-animals can be killers!
Dear Sidney,
I recently lost my Schnookums in an itty bitty accident involving a baby carriage and a runaway hotdog stand and I don’t know how to cope. He was a good little pigmy marmoset, the best ever, and my life has been significantly more lonely without him. Mother has said for a while that I should try dating again to have something more important in my life, but I just can’t bring myself to allow anyone to take Shnooky’s place in my heart.
Do you have any advice to help me through this troubled and difficult time?
Thank you,
I Don’t Intentionally Organize Thoughts
My dearest IDIOT,
Unfortunately, there isn’t much you can do but be brave and continue on through the pain. Hot dog stands are the 82nd greatest killer of pets these days, right after falling pianos filled with hair spray. Now, I’m not a doctor, but I’d prescribe a bottle of red wine and a good film, perhaps the old pet lover’s favourite “Homeward Bound 3: the Return from Mars.” That or a good turn with the empathy box; nothing makes you better faster than being beaned in the head with a rock!
Dear Sidney,
I desperately need your help. I’ve been dating this amazing girl for a week now, but I made the horrible mistake of trying to impress her by telling her I had a real live donkey at my house. Of course it was a lie— I only have a sickly little gerbil! I went to all the shops I could find, even the less reputable ones, but the most impressive animal I could find was a blue crested mallard, which is needless to say far from what I’m looking for. Is there any way you can help me from loosing face with the girl of my dreams?!
Yours truly,
Always Searching Somewhere
Oh, ASS, you ass for telling her you had a donkey! That is quite the impressive animal, my friend. Certainly, a mallard is an admirable creature, and I wouldn’t even speak badly about a gerbil, but you are well out of your league here, it seems. My advice? Get her very, very drunk and then invent a ridiculous lie. I have prepared a few for you: I leant it to my cousin for the weekend; it ran away; neighbour’s lion ate it. That should do the trick. Go get ‘er, tiger... er... donkey!
Dear Sidney,
I accidentally killed my daughter’s hedgehog, Pokey. She is away on vacation with her mother for the next week, so I have some time to either find a replacement or create an elaborate forgery. However, both of those things cost money, and seeing as I have some time I thought I would try some more alternative methods before putting down any hard cash. Do you know anything about Voodoo and its capacity to resurrect household pets? How about half cyborg hedgehog?
All the best,
Chad
Well, Chad (if that is your real name), I wouldn’t recommend trying any of the dark arts as a serious method of replacing your daughter’s pet, although such practices are not unheard of these days by some more desperate pet lovers. As for creating a cyborg hedgehog, that, sir, is an abomination and a crime against Mercer. Speaking of which, if you’re living on earth, how do you have a daughter?
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