The Authentic Pet Owner's Club - San Francisco Chapter

Rules of Membership

As esteemed members of the San Francisco division of the Authentic Pet Owners’ Club, it is vitally important for each and every one of us to maintain the integrity and solidarity of the club by following all rules of membership. For those fortunate members who have recently joined our ranks, particular attention should be paid to internalizing these requirements, while all veterans should read over them regularly to ensure consistent adherence. Please note that the rules of membership are printed on the first page of your Authentic Pet Owners’ Club guidebook, received upon initiation, and are repeated here for maximum distribution.

1. All members, prior to initiation, must submit to their animal’s inspection by an Authentic Pet Owners’ Club registered inspector to verify the legitimacy of their animal. In addition, all members must submit to potential unannounced follow-up inspections implemented to ensure the continued integrity of the Club.

2. Members must willingly identify themselves when requested by using their electronic Club ID tags, received upon initiation, to Authentic Pet Owners’ Club inspectors, animal specialists and officials who will be identified in the same way. As Club members, it is your right to ask for such identification at any time. This procedure is to ensure Club solidarity and failure to properly identify is grounds for termination.

3. Club membership fees will be due at the end of each month or at the beginning of each year, if you are paying on a yearly contract. Please be sure to keep your payments up to date. Failure to do so may result in fines or termination. We remind you that your membership fees enable your access to top animal specialists, resources, information, and events.

4. All registered animals’ illnesses, surgical procedures, offspring, and other pertinent information must be reported to the Authentic Pet Owners’ Club main office immediately. Detection of a failure to do so may result in a fine or termination from the Club.

5. Although you may not personally recruit members for initiation, you may submit suggestions to the Authentic Pet Owners’ Club Initiation Committee.

6. Be discreet about your esteemed membership in the Authentic Pet Owners’ Club. It is not appropriate to flaunt your membership, nor to ask other animal owners if they themselves are members. Rather, the Club forum has been set up to allow contact between members in a safe and secure format.

Club Calendar

All members of the San Francisco division of the Authentic Pet Owners’ Club are invited to attend any of the scheduled events outlined in this year’s calendar. A reminder to members about the exciting and exclusive events in store for you this month:

Speech by Naturalist Steve O’Bright: Join us for a speech by renowned naturalist Steve O’Bright as he recounts the findings of his recent 6-month excursion to the residual forests of Canada. Steve will be providing the audience with inside information as to what authentic animal activity he observed as well as predictions as to the presence or imminent extinction of various species. Come and use your Club privilege to gain the most current news from one of the leaders in the authentic animal field.

Authentic Animal Care Workshop: Members are welcomed to put knowledge to use in this hands-on workshop covering tips on both basic and advanced animal care for a wide variety of authentic animal species. Learn about new grooming techniques, the most nutritious foods for your animal, how to decipher the most subtle of animal behaviours, and more!

Authentic Animal Accessory Fair: We know you want your prized authentic animals to always be looking their best, so attending this fair is a must! Receive free samples and product demonstrations, meet experts with information on keeping your animal healthy and happy, and see companies debut their brand new animal accessories.

Multiple Authentic Animal Ownership

Although each and every member of the Authentic Pet Owners’ Club is, of course, the proud owner of at least one highly-valued legitimate animal, our most fortunate club members have the great honour of owning multiple authentic animals. It has recently come to light, however, that there are members of the public who are distinctly uncomfortable with such people’s extreme good fortune. Perhaps unaware of the additional time, effort, and expense required of the multiple animal owner, there are those who do not recognize that such owners are deserving of their animals. Moreover, some people, likely those who are upset to own only ersatz animals, have even suggested that the multiple animal owner is in defiance of Mercerism! We at the Authentic Pet Owners’ Club, however, most strongly disagree. Considering their extreme dedication to and adoration of their animals we can confidently say that our multiple animal owners are able to care for the life entrusted to them most expertly. Additionally, we are proud at the Authentic Pet Owners’ Club to warmly tolerate ersatz animal ownership. Members handle non Club-identified animal owners with the appropriate respect, not wanting to embarrass or intimidate the potential ersatz animal owner. This serves as a reminder, however, to our Club members who are multiple animal owners that such a fortunate position must be handled with the utmost care. Flaunting and boasting of status as a multiple animal owner is most strongly discouraged and members should instead communicate with fellow members rather than members of the public regarding their animals.

Ersatz Animals

After the unfortunate but necessary dismissal of one Authentic Pet Owners’ Club member for threatening the group’s solidarity, it seems that a brief note on the nature of ersatz animals and their owners may serve to prevent such an occurrence in the future. Although many animals appear to be truly authentic and as impressive as even your own, members are reminded that ersatz animals abound. These inauthentic animals replicate exactly the look, feel, and smell of real animals, and precisely mimic their eating habits and behaviours. It is for this reason that members are asked, in accordance with Membership Rule #6, to be discreet about membership in the Authentic Pet Owners’ Club. Approaching the owner of what appears to be an authentic animal with discussion of the Club may easily result in the extreme embarrassment of the ersatz owner if they cannot identify as a Club member and the truth of their animal is thereby revealed. Furthermore, such incautious behaviour may also compromise the security of your authentic animal and the quietly outstanding reputation of the Club. Moreover, the Authentic Pet Owners’ Club is proud to benevolently tolerate and generously turn a blind eye on the certain guilt and regret of ersatz animal owners. All members are also asked to recognize the psychological toll ersatz ownership may provoke, and neither directly or indirectly point out the inauthenticity of anybody else’s ‘animal.’ Your esteemed animal ownership is celebrated within the safe confines of authorized Club publications, forums, meetings, and Calendar events for this very reason.

Notable Club Members

Bill Barbour – Longstanding Club member, Bill Barbour, is to be congratulated on his Percheron mare’s recent successful delivery of not one, but two healthy foals! Bill reports that his prized mare, Judy, is doing well and has taken to motherhood expertly. The foals, yet to be named, are one male and one female and both seem of excellent health. Bill declares that although he would never sell Judy he is contemplating selling one of his foals after generous offers were made by several other Club members eager for the chance to own a rare Percheron horse.

Members are reminded that with elite Authentic Pet Owners’ Club membership you are all eligible to receive access to a variety of sought after contacts in the area of authentic animal breeding. Through the Club, members can gain information about how to receive the best possible fertilizing plasma as well as advice and supervision upon contacting the State Animal Husbandry Board. An additional service available to members is a safe and secure forum through which to contact and coordinate with other club members for breeding purposes.

Ed Smith – New Authentic Pet Owners’ Club member, Ed Smith, is acknowledged for his immediate contributions to the Club. Not only is Ed an enthusiastic and dedicated member already, but his brave admissions regarding life as an ersatz animal owner are truly revealing. Ed admits to having previously owned an ersatz cat before finally realizing his long dream of becoming the owner of a stunning male ostrich. Ed recently gave an educational talk to lucky Club members during an Ersatz Awareness, Education and Empathy meeting in which he detailed his own internal struggles suffered while owning an ersatz cat. Now a proud authentic animal owner, Ed credits the Club with saving his sanity, self-respect and social status. You’re welcome, Ed!