From left: Kate Kovaleva, Sulynn Chuang, Terris Schneider,(cont'd) Jeremy Newcombe, Sophie Baker, Jonathan Brandon Lee
Sidney's Catalog Senior Editorial Team 2009
From left: Kate Kovaleva, Sulynn Chuang, Terris Schneider,(cont'd) Jeremy Newcombe, Sophie Baker, Jonathan Brandon Lee
The Authentic Pet Owner's Club - San Francisco Chapter
Rules of Membership
As esteemed members of the San Francisco division of the Authentic Pet Owners’ Club, it is vitally important for each and every one of us to maintain the integrity and solidarity of the club by following all rules of membership. For those fortunate members who have recently joined our ranks, particular attention should be paid to internalizing these requirements, while all veterans should read over them regularly to ensure consistent adherence. Please note that the rules of membership are printed on the first page of your Authentic Pet Owners’ Club guidebook, received upon initiation, and are repeated here for maximum distribution.
1. All members, prior to initiation, must submit to their animal’s inspection by an Authentic Pet Owners’ Club registered inspector to verify the legitimacy of their animal. In addition, all members must submit to potential unannounced follow-up inspections implemented to ensure the continued integrity of the Club.
2. Members must willingly identify themselves when requested by using their electronic Club ID tags, received upon initiation, to Authentic Pet Owners’ Club inspectors, animal specialists and officials who will be identified in the same way. As Club members, it is your right to ask for such identification at any time. This procedure is to ensure Club solidarity and failure to properly identify is grounds for termination.
3. Club membership fees will be due at the end of each month or at the beginning of each year, if you are paying on a yearly contract. Please be sure to keep your payments up to date. Failure to do so may result in fines or termination. We remind you that your membership fees enable your access to top animal specialists, resources, information, and events.
4. All registered animals’ illnesses, surgical procedures, offspring, and other pertinent information must be reported to the Authentic Pet Owners’ Club main office immediately. Detection of a failure to do so may result in a fine or termination from the Club.
5. Although you may not personally recruit members for initiation, you may submit suggestions to the Authentic Pet Owners’ Club Initiation Committee.
6. Be discreet about your esteemed membership in the Authentic Pet Owners’ Club. It is not appropriate to flaunt your membership, nor to ask other animal owners if they themselves are members. Rather, the Club forum has been set up to allow contact between members in a safe and secure format.
Club Calendar
All members of the San Francisco division of the Authentic Pet Owners’ Club are invited to attend any of the scheduled events outlined in this year’s calendar. A reminder to members about the exciting and exclusive events in store for you this month:
Speech by Naturalist Steve O’Bright: Join us for a speech by renowned naturalist Steve O’Bright as he recounts the findings of his recent 6-month excursion to the residual forests of Canada. Steve will be providing the audience with inside information as to what authentic animal activity he observed as well as predictions as to the presence or imminent extinction of various species. Come and use your Club privilege to gain the most current news from one of the leaders in the authentic animal field.
Authentic Animal Care Workshop: Members are welcomed to put knowledge to use in this hands-on workshop covering tips on both basic and advanced animal care for a wide variety of authentic animal species. Learn about new grooming techniques, the most nutritious foods for your animal, how to decipher the most subtle of animal behaviours, and more!
Authentic Animal Accessory Fair: We know you want your prized authentic animals to always be looking their best, so attending this fair is a must! Receive free samples and product demonstrations, meet experts with information on keeping your animal healthy and happy, and see companies debut their brand new animal accessories.
Multiple Authentic Animal Ownership
Although each and every member of the Authentic Pet Owners’ Club is, of course, the proud owner of at least one highly-valued legitimate animal, our most fortunate club members have the great honour of owning multiple authentic animals. It has recently come to light, however, that there are members of the public who are distinctly uncomfortable with such people’s extreme good fortune. Perhaps unaware of the additional time, effort, and expense required of the multiple animal owner, there are those who do not recognize that such owners are deserving of their animals. Moreover, some people, likely those who are upset to own only ersatz animals, have even suggested that the multiple animal owner is in defiance of Mercerism! We at the Authentic Pet Owners’ Club, however, most strongly disagree. Considering their extreme dedication to and adoration of their animals we can confidently say that our multiple animal owners are able to care for the life entrusted to them most expertly. Additionally, we are proud at the Authentic Pet Owners’ Club to warmly tolerate ersatz animal ownership. Members handle non Club-identified animal owners with the appropriate respect, not wanting to embarrass or intimidate the potential ersatz animal owner. This serves as a reminder, however, to our Club members who are multiple animal owners that such a fortunate position must be handled with the utmost care. Flaunting and boasting of status as a multiple animal owner is most strongly discouraged and members should instead communicate with fellow members rather than members of the public regarding their animals.
Ersatz Animals
After the unfortunate but necessary dismissal of one Authentic Pet Owners’ Club member for threatening the group’s solidarity, it seems that a brief note on the nature of ersatz animals and their owners may serve to prevent such an occurrence in the future. Although many animals appear to be truly authentic and as impressive as even your own, members are reminded that ersatz animals abound. These inauthentic animals replicate exactly the look, feel, and smell of real animals, and precisely mimic their eating habits and behaviours. It is for this reason that members are asked, in accordance with Membership Rule #6, to be discreet about membership in the Authentic Pet Owners’ Club. Approaching the owner of what appears to be an authentic animal with discussion of the Club may easily result in the extreme embarrassment of the ersatz owner if they cannot identify as a Club member and the truth of their animal is thereby revealed. Furthermore, such incautious behaviour may also compromise the security of your authentic animal and the quietly outstanding reputation of the Club. Moreover, the Authentic Pet Owners’ Club is proud to benevolently tolerate and generously turn a blind eye on the certain guilt and regret of ersatz animal owners. All members are also asked to recognize the psychological toll ersatz ownership may provoke, and neither directly or indirectly point out the inauthenticity of anybody else’s ‘animal.’ Your esteemed animal ownership is celebrated within the safe confines of authorized Club publications, forums, meetings, and Calendar events for this very reason.
Notable Club Members
Bill Barbour – Longstanding Club member, Bill Barbour, is to be congratulated on his Percheron mare’s recent successful delivery of not one, but two healthy foals! Bill reports that his prized mare, Judy, is doing well and has taken to motherhood expertly. The foals, yet to be named, are one male and one female and both seem of excellent health. Bill declares that although he would never sell Judy he is contemplating selling one of his foals after generous offers were made by several other Club members eager for the chance to own a rare Percheron horse.
Members are reminded that with elite Authentic Pet Owners’ Club membership you are all eligible to receive access to a variety of sought after contacts in the area of authentic animal breeding. Through the Club, members can gain information about how to receive the best possible fertilizing plasma as well as advice and supervision upon contacting the State Animal Husbandry Board. An additional service available to members is a safe and secure forum through which to contact and coordinate with other club members for breeding purposes.
Ed Smith – New Authentic Pet Owners’ Club member, Ed Smith, is acknowledged for his immediate contributions to the Club. Not only is Ed an enthusiastic and dedicated member already, but his brave admissions regarding life as an ersatz animal owner are truly revealing. Ed admits to having previously owned an ersatz cat before finally realizing his long dream of becoming the owner of a stunning male ostrich. Ed recently gave an educational talk to lucky Club members during an Ersatz Awareness, Education and Empathy meeting in which he detailed his own internal struggles suffered while owning an ersatz cat. Now a proud authentic animal owner, Ed credits the Club with saving his sanity, self-respect and social status. You’re welcome, Ed!
As esteemed members of the San Francisco division of the Authentic Pet Owners’ Club, it is vitally important for each and every one of us to maintain the integrity and solidarity of the club by following all rules of membership. For those fortunate members who have recently joined our ranks, particular attention should be paid to internalizing these requirements, while all veterans should read over them regularly to ensure consistent adherence. Please note that the rules of membership are printed on the first page of your Authentic Pet Owners’ Club guidebook, received upon initiation, and are repeated here for maximum distribution.
1. All members, prior to initiation, must submit to their animal’s inspection by an Authentic Pet Owners’ Club registered inspector to verify the legitimacy of their animal. In addition, all members must submit to potential unannounced follow-up inspections implemented to ensure the continued integrity of the Club.
2. Members must willingly identify themselves when requested by using their electronic Club ID tags, received upon initiation, to Authentic Pet Owners’ Club inspectors, animal specialists and officials who will be identified in the same way. As Club members, it is your right to ask for such identification at any time. This procedure is to ensure Club solidarity and failure to properly identify is grounds for termination.
3. Club membership fees will be due at the end of each month or at the beginning of each year, if you are paying on a yearly contract. Please be sure to keep your payments up to date. Failure to do so may result in fines or termination. We remind you that your membership fees enable your access to top animal specialists, resources, information, and events.
4. All registered animals’ illnesses, surgical procedures, offspring, and other pertinent information must be reported to the Authentic Pet Owners’ Club main office immediately. Detection of a failure to do so may result in a fine or termination from the Club.
5. Although you may not personally recruit members for initiation, you may submit suggestions to the Authentic Pet Owners’ Club Initiation Committee.
6. Be discreet about your esteemed membership in the Authentic Pet Owners’ Club. It is not appropriate to flaunt your membership, nor to ask other animal owners if they themselves are members. Rather, the Club forum has been set up to allow contact between members in a safe and secure format.
Club Calendar
All members of the San Francisco division of the Authentic Pet Owners’ Club are invited to attend any of the scheduled events outlined in this year’s calendar. A reminder to members about the exciting and exclusive events in store for you this month:
Speech by Naturalist Steve O’Bright: Join us for a speech by renowned naturalist Steve O’Bright as he recounts the findings of his recent 6-month excursion to the residual forests of Canada. Steve will be providing the audience with inside information as to what authentic animal activity he observed as well as predictions as to the presence or imminent extinction of various species. Come and use your Club privilege to gain the most current news from one of the leaders in the authentic animal field.
Authentic Animal Care Workshop: Members are welcomed to put knowledge to use in this hands-on workshop covering tips on both basic and advanced animal care for a wide variety of authentic animal species. Learn about new grooming techniques, the most nutritious foods for your animal, how to decipher the most subtle of animal behaviours, and more!
Authentic Animal Accessory Fair: We know you want your prized authentic animals to always be looking their best, so attending this fair is a must! Receive free samples and product demonstrations, meet experts with information on keeping your animal healthy and happy, and see companies debut their brand new animal accessories.
Multiple Authentic Animal Ownership
Although each and every member of the Authentic Pet Owners’ Club is, of course, the proud owner of at least one highly-valued legitimate animal, our most fortunate club members have the great honour of owning multiple authentic animals. It has recently come to light, however, that there are members of the public who are distinctly uncomfortable with such people’s extreme good fortune. Perhaps unaware of the additional time, effort, and expense required of the multiple animal owner, there are those who do not recognize that such owners are deserving of their animals. Moreover, some people, likely those who are upset to own only ersatz animals, have even suggested that the multiple animal owner is in defiance of Mercerism! We at the Authentic Pet Owners’ Club, however, most strongly disagree. Considering their extreme dedication to and adoration of their animals we can confidently say that our multiple animal owners are able to care for the life entrusted to them most expertly. Additionally, we are proud at the Authentic Pet Owners’ Club to warmly tolerate ersatz animal ownership. Members handle non Club-identified animal owners with the appropriate respect, not wanting to embarrass or intimidate the potential ersatz animal owner. This serves as a reminder, however, to our Club members who are multiple animal owners that such a fortunate position must be handled with the utmost care. Flaunting and boasting of status as a multiple animal owner is most strongly discouraged and members should instead communicate with fellow members rather than members of the public regarding their animals.
Ersatz Animals
After the unfortunate but necessary dismissal of one Authentic Pet Owners’ Club member for threatening the group’s solidarity, it seems that a brief note on the nature of ersatz animals and their owners may serve to prevent such an occurrence in the future. Although many animals appear to be truly authentic and as impressive as even your own, members are reminded that ersatz animals abound. These inauthentic animals replicate exactly the look, feel, and smell of real animals, and precisely mimic their eating habits and behaviours. It is for this reason that members are asked, in accordance with Membership Rule #6, to be discreet about membership in the Authentic Pet Owners’ Club. Approaching the owner of what appears to be an authentic animal with discussion of the Club may easily result in the extreme embarrassment of the ersatz owner if they cannot identify as a Club member and the truth of their animal is thereby revealed. Furthermore, such incautious behaviour may also compromise the security of your authentic animal and the quietly outstanding reputation of the Club. Moreover, the Authentic Pet Owners’ Club is proud to benevolently tolerate and generously turn a blind eye on the certain guilt and regret of ersatz animal owners. All members are also asked to recognize the psychological toll ersatz ownership may provoke, and neither directly or indirectly point out the inauthenticity of anybody else’s ‘animal.’ Your esteemed animal ownership is celebrated within the safe confines of authorized Club publications, forums, meetings, and Calendar events for this very reason.
Notable Club Members
Bill Barbour – Longstanding Club member, Bill Barbour, is to be congratulated on his Percheron mare’s recent successful delivery of not one, but two healthy foals! Bill reports that his prized mare, Judy, is doing well and has taken to motherhood expertly. The foals, yet to be named, are one male and one female and both seem of excellent health. Bill declares that although he would never sell Judy he is contemplating selling one of his foals after generous offers were made by several other Club members eager for the chance to own a rare Percheron horse.
Members are reminded that with elite Authentic Pet Owners’ Club membership you are all eligible to receive access to a variety of sought after contacts in the area of authentic animal breeding. Through the Club, members can gain information about how to receive the best possible fertilizing plasma as well as advice and supervision upon contacting the State Animal Husbandry Board. An additional service available to members is a safe and secure forum through which to contact and coordinate with other club members for breeding purposes.
Ed Smith – New Authentic Pet Owners’ Club member, Ed Smith, is acknowledged for his immediate contributions to the Club. Not only is Ed an enthusiastic and dedicated member already, but his brave admissions regarding life as an ersatz animal owner are truly revealing. Ed admits to having previously owned an ersatz cat before finally realizing his long dream of becoming the owner of a stunning male ostrich. Ed recently gave an educational talk to lucky Club members during an Ersatz Awareness, Education and Empathy meeting in which he detailed his own internal struggles suffered while owning an ersatz cat. Now a proud authentic animal owner, Ed credits the Club with saving his sanity, self-respect and social status. You’re welcome, Ed!
Animal Care Network Weekly Care Tip Updates
We with the Animal Care Network understand how important it is to keep your pet looking healthy and well groomed. The following are this week's quick tips, put together by our Network's team of experts. Whether you want to strengthen your relationship with your pet or be the envy of your building, follow the advice outlined below!
Tip #1 Concealment is key.
You all know the anxiety that perpetually lurks near when your pet is an electrical animal. You also know, just as we do, that this insignificance does not in any way diminish your love for it. However, the fear that your animal will be discovered is a dreadful possibility. To keep this possibility as remote as possible, groom your pet properly! Remember to carefully brush your animal and tuck its fur carefully over any electrical switches, which can be done with a regular or more specialized brushes like the Conair Revolution 2090. If your pet is short haired, or has no fur at all, you may want to slightly pull its skin over the area after meals or unusual physical activity. This simple habit can spare you and your loved one (your precious pet) an unpleasant altercation and unnecessary judgment.
Tip #2 Repair Shops Do's and Don'ts.
Quickly detecting a malfunction, you face the necessity of bringing your pet in for an adjustment. If you do not yet have a trusted facility, be careful how you pick one. Dealing with sloppy or even fraudulent practitioners can be extremely distressful for you and your pet. Consider consulting a trusted company, which you may find in the Seattle Catalog of Veterinary Clinics. Consider also calling someone in for home-service; the company can then pick up and deliver your pet back within a couple of days. Remember that your insurance does not cover all procedures and it is important to ask as many questions as you can before making a contract: even asking for proof of accreditation can save you from potential losses and disappointment.
Tip #3 Home recipes: health starts with glossy fur!
We all know what a healthy pet looks like – it is foremost an image of a sparkling, glossy fur! Whether a domestic animal or a more traditional variety, its fur is an important indicator and is the first to catch anyone's eye. But how many of us can really achieve this with our darling? It is important not to give up on attempts at improvement, and consider every recipe; in the end, each animal is individualistic – discover what works for your pet! Consider the yolk and viutri shake! Combine 3 egg yolks, a viutri packet and squeezed lemon juice, blend well together and add to your animal's diet 2-3 time daily. Whether your pet is electrical or real, the blend of vitamins and the egg yolk's “natural glue” properies will work miracles on your pet's fur. Incidentally, this simple recipe has been demonstrated to work on hair-less animals as well, including our favourite turtles and toads – yes folks, it works even on reptiles!
We hope you have enjoyed this week's issue of Weekly Care Tip Updates. Please do not hesitate to contact us with questions or comments!
-Your trusted Animal Care Network
vid. phn.: 798 &3£ J25Z
Buy/Sell Page
WTB - White Colt
Looking to buy a white colt as a gift to my wife for her birthday. Am willing to pay up to $50 000. The colt has to be authentic - no electrics please. E-mail me if you have one. Thanks!
Rabbit for Sale - $1000
Cute, 100% authentic female rabbit for sale. My stepson just moved in and is allergic to it so I am looking to get rid of it. Great deal, price significantly less than Sidney's. Let me know if you are interested.
Real Toad for Sale - Extremely Rare
I have a real toad for sale. I know that Sidney's claims that they are extinct, but I have a contact with a private dealer from Canada. E-mail me for a price.
Sheep for Sale
I have a lovely sheep for sale. I'm willing to sell her for $50. She has tetanus and won't have much longer to live but she could use a lovely home for a few months. Please get back to me if you are interested.
WTB - Raccoon
My Raccoon, Rocky, has just passed away. I'm looking to buy another one, Sidney's is currently out of stock. Am willing to pay up to $40 000. Please contact me if you have one.
Dear Sidney: An Animal Lover's Forum
Dear Sidney,
Last week my wife bought me a small Terrier as a birthday present. I was overjoyed, to say the least, as I had been sorely missing my previous animal companion, an albino rat named Nibbles, since he died last year.
A problem arose, however, when I went to give little Terry a bath yesterday. As I lowered him into the water I could swear I heard a slight hissing and popping noise, after which he promptly leapt out of the tub and ran around in a circle for the next half an hour. I was so frightened it was all I could do to stand on the toilet and shriek in a most distressed voice in hopes he would stop.
Since then he has calmed down significantly, but is now acting very strange. He is often trying to walk on only two legs, won’t eat a thing, and has adopted the bad habit of barking monotonously at regular intervals.
Is there any way of asking my wife, without offending her, if she had somehow given me a mechanical dog instead of a real one? I don’t want to cause a fuss, and I’m sure it would be an honest mistake, but I can’t help but feel he’s somehow shorted out...
Sincerely,
Little Dog Lover
Well, LDL, I think it’s well within your rights to find out if your mutt is an android or not. I’ve heard stories of pet shorting out and turning on their masters when they least expect it. You watch— lack of apetite and strange walking today, gnawing your leg off tomorrow.
If you really don’t want to confront your wife, my suggestion is to turn a hose on the little bugger. A mechanical dog should be waterproof, even if it’s a cheap model, but if this had an effect before you might be able to recreate it and know for sure. If he still acts weird, take him to a vet; they’ll let you know for sure. Don’t let your guard down though! Those rogue andy-animals can be killers!
Dear Sidney,
I recently lost my Schnookums in an itty bitty accident involving a baby carriage and a runaway hotdog stand and I don’t know how to cope. He was a good little pigmy marmoset, the best ever, and my life has been significantly more lonely without him. Mother has said for a while that I should try dating again to have something more important in my life, but I just can’t bring myself to allow anyone to take Shnooky’s place in my heart.
Do you have any advice to help me through this troubled and difficult time?
Thank you,
I Don’t Intentionally Organize Thoughts
My dearest IDIOT,
Unfortunately, there isn’t much you can do but be brave and continue on through the pain. Hot dog stands are the 82nd greatest killer of pets these days, right after falling pianos filled with hair spray. Now, I’m not a doctor, but I’d prescribe a bottle of red wine and a good film, perhaps the old pet lover’s favourite “Homeward Bound 3: the Return from Mars.” That or a good turn with the empathy box; nothing makes you better faster than being beaned in the head with a rock!
Dear Sidney,
I desperately need your help. I’ve been dating this amazing girl for a week now, but I made the horrible mistake of trying to impress her by telling her I had a real live donkey at my house. Of course it was a lie— I only have a sickly little gerbil! I went to all the shops I could find, even the less reputable ones, but the most impressive animal I could find was a blue crested mallard, which is needless to say far from what I’m looking for. Is there any way you can help me from loosing face with the girl of my dreams?!
Yours truly,
Always Searching Somewhere
Oh, ASS, you ass for telling her you had a donkey! That is quite the impressive animal, my friend. Certainly, a mallard is an admirable creature, and I wouldn’t even speak badly about a gerbil, but you are well out of your league here, it seems. My advice? Get her very, very drunk and then invent a ridiculous lie. I have prepared a few for you: I leant it to my cousin for the weekend; it ran away; neighbour’s lion ate it. That should do the trick. Go get ‘er, tiger... er... donkey!
Dear Sidney,
I accidentally killed my daughter’s hedgehog, Pokey. She is away on vacation with her mother for the next week, so I have some time to either find a replacement or create an elaborate forgery. However, both of those things cost money, and seeing as I have some time I thought I would try some more alternative methods before putting down any hard cash. Do you know anything about Voodoo and its capacity to resurrect household pets? How about half cyborg hedgehog?
All the best,
Chad
Well, Chad (if that is your real name), I wouldn’t recommend trying any of the dark arts as a serious method of replacing your daughter’s pet, although such practices are not unheard of these days by some more desperate pet lovers. As for creating a cyborg hedgehog, that, sir, is an abomination and a crime against Mercer. Speaking of which, if you’re living on earth, how do you have a daughter?
Falabella Miniature Horse, Equus Callabus
The smallest breed of horse in the world at 78cm or 8 hands at the withers, the Falabella, even prior to its extinction, was one of the rarest breeds of horse on Earth, with only a few thousand individuals existing worldwide. Descended from Criollo horses in the geologically isolated areas of Argentina, an intensive breeding program was undertaken by the humorously named Patrick Newtall, which sought to mate the local horses with other small horse breeds such as the Shetland and Welsh ponies. The Falabella later derived its name from one of Newtall’s descendents in the 1940s, and all Falabellas that have ever existed all originated from Newtall’s ranch in Argentina.Unlike other miniature species, the Falabella was not abnormally proportioned – rather, it retained an overall slim confirmation similar to that of the Arab. Neither was it a delicate species: Falabellas were very hardy horses due to their ancestry, and were able to breed even when advanced in age. Although their small size rendered them unable to perform draft work, Falabellas were intelligent horses that could be ridden by small children and be taught to pull appropriately sized carts. Most Falabellas had bay or black coats, although pinto coats were also commonly found. Unscrupulous horse dealers would often try to pass off other miniature horse breeds as Falabellas, and all authentic Falabellas were required to have the requisite documents and official certificates (known as equine ‘passports’) to confirm their pedigree bloodlines.
A very small percentage of Falabellas survived the initial fall-out following WWT, whereupon lack of numbers made it extremely difficult to continue breeding the horse. The last Falabella passed away in ----, according to Sydney’s records.
Domestic Canary, Serinus Canaria Domestica
The Domestic Canary was a domesticated form of the Wild Canary and part of the Finch family groups originating from the Spanish archipelago. Prized for the singing voice of its male birds, the Canary was once exclusively marketed only to those wealthy enough to afford the birds, although prices went down once local citizens were able to obtain hen birds to breed. Domestic Canaries usually possessed distinctive yellow-green feathers, although other colour varieties such as Brown and Ivory arose through hobbyist breeding. In countries such as the USA and Europe, Domestic Canaries were often judged at bird shows following the end of the breeding season for the quality of their voice and their appearance, whereupon only the person who raised them would be granted the right to show the bird.With bodies no larger than 15cm, Canaries were extremely popular pets due to their friendly personalities and the ease involved in their care. Their small size and inoffensive voices moreover made them easy to rear even in apartment buildings, although predation from neighbouring cats seems to have been a risk posed to the careless owner. Canary male and females were however extremely difficult to tell apart by mere appearance, since not all males sang and all females remained silent. While their gender was able to be determined upon internal examination by veterinarians, most of the time, the only reliable way for a breeder to make entirely sure would be to wait and see if ‘she’ laid eggs! Generally non-social animals, Canaries were able to thrive even when kept on their own, provided they were fed well and had access to a large cage with room for flight. Their diet consisted mainly of seeds, and could also be rounded out with various fresh vegetables and greens.
The use of Canaries in coal mining as an early warning system for toxic gases was finally outlawed in ----. Unfortunately, the susceptibility of these otherwise hardy birds to methane and carbon monoxide meant that they were among the first avians to succumb to the dust following WWT, along with owls and sparrows.
Siamese Fighting Fish, Betta Splendens
Known as ‘biting fish’ in their native country of Thailand, the Siamese Fighting Fish, was given its name due to the aggressive nature of their males and the barbaric gambling practice of pitting these beautiful fishes against each other. Until WWT and the corresponding decline in the viability of keeping fish as pets, it was previously the most popular species of insectivorous freshwater aquarium fish.
Siamese Fighting Fish came in many iridescent colours, such as red, orange, white, green, blue, or any ‘marbled’ or ‘tinted’ combination of the above. The male, as the more colourful of the two genders, was more the highly prized, and pet owners often held competitions at which owners would be awarded according to the unique coloration and tail fin shape of their fish. Both male and female Siamese Fighting Fish had the odd characteristic flaring their gill covers for purposes of intimidation or courtship, and such behaviour was also found to be easily elicited by owners with the use of a mirror. The Siamese Fighting Fish was otherwise a solitary and shy fish by nature. A group of Fighting Fish were hence usually kept in separate tanks by their owners except during mating, lest the fish injure themselves with aggressive behaviour.
The Siamese Fighting Fish was known to be an extremely hardy species due to its wild ancestors who had thrived in oxygen-poor environments, and was invariably in high demand by both amateurs and connoisseur pet owners alike for its adaptability and beauty. When exposed to the radioactive dust fallout and the drastic changes in the chemical composition of water during WWT however, the Siamese Fighting Fish was unable to adjust quickly enough, and massive declines in the population resulted. Following the new laws on water usage in the year ----, the Siamese Fighting Fish was no longer stocked in pet stores or bred privately. They are now thought to be extinct, no live specimens having been recorded by Sydney’s since ----.
Hedgehog, Erinaceinae Erinaceomorpha
The Hedgehog was one of the few existing spiny mammals on earth, and was originally found throughout Europe, Asia, Africa, and New Zealand. Its name was derived from the Middle English word ‘heyghoge’ due to its frequenting of hedgerows and its pig-like snout, and it was also sometimes known as a ‘hedgepig’ or ‘furze-pig’. These spines, actually hollow hairs stiffened with keratin, were not poisonous and they were not removed easily like that of the porcupine. While hedgehogs tended to flee or attack when confronted with predators, they were much better known for their ability to roll into a tight ball with their spines pointing outwards as a deterrent.
Hedgehogs were nocturnal omnivores, and they fed primarily on insects, mushrooms, berries, and fruits. Pet owners of hedgehogs found that these remarkable creatures would also subsist happily on commercial dog or cat food, although these were not very nutritious. Hedgehogs were sometimes welcomed by traditional gardeners who found their presence useful in reducing the numbers of pests that would prey upon precious vegetables and fruits. Able to live up to 7 years in captivity, their small size and general amiability made them a popular choice of exotic pets in countries that allowed hedgehog ownership.Hedgehogs went rapidly extinct on earth following WWT due to their susceptibility to cancer (Hedgehogs shared many diseases common to humans).
African Egg-eating Snake, Dasypeltis Scabra
The African Egg-eating Snake, prior to WWT, was native to the Southern portion of the African continent and was one of the two genus of snakes that lived exclusively off eggs. Largely nocturnal, it preyed mainly upon eggs of Weaver Birds, and was extremely adept at tree climbing. Able to determine the freshness of the egg by testing the shell with its tongue, the snake would then push its head over the egg, and our records indicate that the snakes were able to swallow eggs up to three times the size of its head. Once inside the snake, a series of modified vertebrae at the back of the neck would pierce the eggshell, whereupon the contents would be sucked out and the flattened shell regurgitated.Usually caught directly from the wild, the African Egg-eating Snake was considered to be an impressive if hard to feed exotic pet, due to the ethically troublesome necessity for an availability of fresh small bird eggs all the year round. It was especially prized among reptile owners and herpetoculturists for its docile temperament and lack of teeth and venom sacs. While able to live happily in a small terrarium tank when provided with sufficient water and warmth, the African Egg-eating Snake was also an adept escape artist, and hence required much attention and a secure container.
In captivity, the African Egg-eating Snake was able to breed all year round, and could reach lengths of between 70-100cm. Its scale pattern consisted of rhombic patches on a base of grey or brown – a coloration that caused it at times to be confused with the venomous Horner Adder, also native to Africa. On the whole, given its feeding habits and doppelganger risk, we might perhaps be glad that such a repulsive pet went extinct with many of the other snake species following WWT, due to the lack of available sunlight to warm their cold-blooded bodies.
Sidney: Facts and Fictions
In our day and age, we all have questions. Questions we want to ask our friends, family, colleagues, or even The Great Mercer. Many have speculated as to how Sidney came to be regarded as the authority ranging from arcane animal knowledge to the most seemingly inconsequential trivia, but few have any true idea as to who the person behind the name was. Until now. In the first authoritative treatise on the Sidney's Institution, I will give you, the readers, a front row seat to this titilating historical roller-coaster ride.
The first well-documented historical nod to the Sidney name came in the 1500's when the Sidney family rose to prominence in the Elizabethan era. You may well remember the names of Sir Philip Sidney and Mary Sidney--later to become Mary Sidney Herbert, Second Countess of Pembroke--as important members of the court. Due to the lasting impact of their wonderfully crafted lines of poetry, they are still fondly recalled today, but this was not the first Sidney of prominence.
The etymology of the name Sidney (or Sydney, or any other variation in spelling for that matter) can be traced to the Greek god's name, "Dionysus," which became "Saint-Denis," in the Norman French of the 1500's and in turn, once the name crossed the Channel, it contracted to become the current form we now know. However, this was impossible to know until very recently, when a text thought to have been destroyed by Henry VIII's English Reformation (between 1536-1541) mysteriously resurfaced. One of the consequences of the aforementioned Reformation was the disbanding of the monastaries, and more to the point, the selling off of the monastic libraries.
Only six books were thought to have survived the purging of Worcester Priory, but the efforts of nameless curator were able to secure an elusive seventh book. As luck would have it--and I would argue that History has indeed lucked out in this case--this book made passing reference to a line of farriers and hound masters that served in the armies of both Alexander the Great as well as those of Gaius Julius Caesar. These animal trainers were identified only as 'residents of Dionysia,' a city in Greece.
This theory is only an abstract, my full research can be accessed in association with the Fearson Corporation, but I think from this alone it is clear that the tradition of the beloved Sidney is landed in the annals of History. With such generational knowledge garnered over literally millenia of practice, the rise of JT&L Sidney Limited in the early 1980's is hardly unprecedented.
The Sidney's Annual is a production that began in the early 1980's, commensurate with completion of John Thomas Sidney's formal training in animal husbandry. Upon earning his degree from the McKinley Institute in Fort Collins, Colorado, Sidney and his sister Laura started their own small business: a supply company that handled of all materials needed for stock. The many interactions that they had with farmers, ranchers, herders, breeders, and others led to increasing contact with animals who were to be traded and sold on the open market.
With the business doing swimmingly under Laura's keen eye for figures, J.T. (as he prefered to be known to both intimates and business partners) began to be consulted as an arbiterwith a keen eye for any animals worth or potential in barters done around Fort Collins. This expanded once he issued the first issue of Sidney's, a short and cheaply printed circular which detailed the health and vitals of each animal in the county that was worth trading. This became enormously popular, and as the business prospered, J.T. and Laura were able to spend more time travelling and appraising an increasing quantity and variety of animals until their reach was nearly limitless.
After the fallout of WWT made animal husbandry and collection even more of a hot commodity, J.T. and Laura really came into their own. With an incredible mixture of foresight, adaptation, and business acumen, they hired programers and designers to anticipate the desire for electric animals for the less well-off. Their information was and remains utterly comprehensive, driving their competitors under, buying them out, or simply out lasting them with a cheaper and better publication. To this day, Sidney's is a family owned and operated corporation.
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