From left: Kate Kovaleva, Sulynn Chuang, Terris Schneider,(cont'd) Jeremy Newcombe, Sophie Baker, Jonathan Brandon Lee
Sidney's Catalog Senior Editorial Team 2009
From left: Kate Kovaleva, Sulynn Chuang, Terris Schneider,(cont'd) Jeremy Newcombe, Sophie Baker, Jonathan Brandon Lee
The Authentic Pet Owner's Club - San Francisco Chapter
Rules of Membership
As esteemed members of the San Francisco division of the Authentic Pet Owners’ Club, it is vitally important for each and every one of us to maintain the integrity and solidarity of the club by following all rules of membership. For those fortunate members who have recently joined our ranks, particular attention should be paid to internalizing these requirements, while all veterans should read over them regularly to ensure consistent adherence. Please note that the rules of membership are printed on the first page of your Authentic Pet Owners’ Club guidebook, received upon initiation, and are repeated here for maximum distribution.
1. All members, prior to initiation, must submit to their animal’s inspection by an Authentic Pet Owners’ Club registered inspector to verify the legitimacy of their animal. In addition, all members must submit to potential unannounced follow-up inspections implemented to ensure the continued integrity of the Club.
2. Members must willingly identify themselves when requested by using their electronic Club ID tags, received upon initiation, to Authentic Pet Owners’ Club inspectors, animal specialists and officials who will be identified in the same way. As Club members, it is your right to ask for such identification at any time. This procedure is to ensure Club solidarity and failure to properly identify is grounds for termination.
3. Club membership fees will be due at the end of each month or at the beginning of each year, if you are paying on a yearly contract. Please be sure to keep your payments up to date. Failure to do so may result in fines or termination. We remind you that your membership fees enable your access to top animal specialists, resources, information, and events.
4. All registered animals’ illnesses, surgical procedures, offspring, and other pertinent information must be reported to the Authentic Pet Owners’ Club main office immediately. Detection of a failure to do so may result in a fine or termination from the Club.
5. Although you may not personally recruit members for initiation, you may submit suggestions to the Authentic Pet Owners’ Club Initiation Committee.
6. Be discreet about your esteemed membership in the Authentic Pet Owners’ Club. It is not appropriate to flaunt your membership, nor to ask other animal owners if they themselves are members. Rather, the Club forum has been set up to allow contact between members in a safe and secure format.
Club Calendar
All members of the San Francisco division of the Authentic Pet Owners’ Club are invited to attend any of the scheduled events outlined in this year’s calendar. A reminder to members about the exciting and exclusive events in store for you this month:
Speech by Naturalist Steve O’Bright: Join us for a speech by renowned naturalist Steve O’Bright as he recounts the findings of his recent 6-month excursion to the residual forests of Canada. Steve will be providing the audience with inside information as to what authentic animal activity he observed as well as predictions as to the presence or imminent extinction of various species. Come and use your Club privilege to gain the most current news from one of the leaders in the authentic animal field.
Authentic Animal Care Workshop: Members are welcomed to put knowledge to use in this hands-on workshop covering tips on both basic and advanced animal care for a wide variety of authentic animal species. Learn about new grooming techniques, the most nutritious foods for your animal, how to decipher the most subtle of animal behaviours, and more!
Authentic Animal Accessory Fair: We know you want your prized authentic animals to always be looking their best, so attending this fair is a must! Receive free samples and product demonstrations, meet experts with information on keeping your animal healthy and happy, and see companies debut their brand new animal accessories.
Multiple Authentic Animal Ownership
Although each and every member of the Authentic Pet Owners’ Club is, of course, the proud owner of at least one highly-valued legitimate animal, our most fortunate club members have the great honour of owning multiple authentic animals. It has recently come to light, however, that there are members of the public who are distinctly uncomfortable with such people’s extreme good fortune. Perhaps unaware of the additional time, effort, and expense required of the multiple animal owner, there are those who do not recognize that such owners are deserving of their animals. Moreover, some people, likely those who are upset to own only ersatz animals, have even suggested that the multiple animal owner is in defiance of Mercerism! We at the Authentic Pet Owners’ Club, however, most strongly disagree. Considering their extreme dedication to and adoration of their animals we can confidently say that our multiple animal owners are able to care for the life entrusted to them most expertly. Additionally, we are proud at the Authentic Pet Owners’ Club to warmly tolerate ersatz animal ownership. Members handle non Club-identified animal owners with the appropriate respect, not wanting to embarrass or intimidate the potential ersatz animal owner. This serves as a reminder, however, to our Club members who are multiple animal owners that such a fortunate position must be handled with the utmost care. Flaunting and boasting of status as a multiple animal owner is most strongly discouraged and members should instead communicate with fellow members rather than members of the public regarding their animals.
Ersatz Animals
After the unfortunate but necessary dismissal of one Authentic Pet Owners’ Club member for threatening the group’s solidarity, it seems that a brief note on the nature of ersatz animals and their owners may serve to prevent such an occurrence in the future. Although many animals appear to be truly authentic and as impressive as even your own, members are reminded that ersatz animals abound. These inauthentic animals replicate exactly the look, feel, and smell of real animals, and precisely mimic their eating habits and behaviours. It is for this reason that members are asked, in accordance with Membership Rule #6, to be discreet about membership in the Authentic Pet Owners’ Club. Approaching the owner of what appears to be an authentic animal with discussion of the Club may easily result in the extreme embarrassment of the ersatz owner if they cannot identify as a Club member and the truth of their animal is thereby revealed. Furthermore, such incautious behaviour may also compromise the security of your authentic animal and the quietly outstanding reputation of the Club. Moreover, the Authentic Pet Owners’ Club is proud to benevolently tolerate and generously turn a blind eye on the certain guilt and regret of ersatz animal owners. All members are also asked to recognize the psychological toll ersatz ownership may provoke, and neither directly or indirectly point out the inauthenticity of anybody else’s ‘animal.’ Your esteemed animal ownership is celebrated within the safe confines of authorized Club publications, forums, meetings, and Calendar events for this very reason.
Notable Club Members
Bill Barbour – Longstanding Club member, Bill Barbour, is to be congratulated on his Percheron mare’s recent successful delivery of not one, but two healthy foals! Bill reports that his prized mare, Judy, is doing well and has taken to motherhood expertly. The foals, yet to be named, are one male and one female and both seem of excellent health. Bill declares that although he would never sell Judy he is contemplating selling one of his foals after generous offers were made by several other Club members eager for the chance to own a rare Percheron horse.
Members are reminded that with elite Authentic Pet Owners’ Club membership you are all eligible to receive access to a variety of sought after contacts in the area of authentic animal breeding. Through the Club, members can gain information about how to receive the best possible fertilizing plasma as well as advice and supervision upon contacting the State Animal Husbandry Board. An additional service available to members is a safe and secure forum through which to contact and coordinate with other club members for breeding purposes.
Ed Smith – New Authentic Pet Owners’ Club member, Ed Smith, is acknowledged for his immediate contributions to the Club. Not only is Ed an enthusiastic and dedicated member already, but his brave admissions regarding life as an ersatz animal owner are truly revealing. Ed admits to having previously owned an ersatz cat before finally realizing his long dream of becoming the owner of a stunning male ostrich. Ed recently gave an educational talk to lucky Club members during an Ersatz Awareness, Education and Empathy meeting in which he detailed his own internal struggles suffered while owning an ersatz cat. Now a proud authentic animal owner, Ed credits the Club with saving his sanity, self-respect and social status. You’re welcome, Ed!
As esteemed members of the San Francisco division of the Authentic Pet Owners’ Club, it is vitally important for each and every one of us to maintain the integrity and solidarity of the club by following all rules of membership. For those fortunate members who have recently joined our ranks, particular attention should be paid to internalizing these requirements, while all veterans should read over them regularly to ensure consistent adherence. Please note that the rules of membership are printed on the first page of your Authentic Pet Owners’ Club guidebook, received upon initiation, and are repeated here for maximum distribution.
1. All members, prior to initiation, must submit to their animal’s inspection by an Authentic Pet Owners’ Club registered inspector to verify the legitimacy of their animal. In addition, all members must submit to potential unannounced follow-up inspections implemented to ensure the continued integrity of the Club.
2. Members must willingly identify themselves when requested by using their electronic Club ID tags, received upon initiation, to Authentic Pet Owners’ Club inspectors, animal specialists and officials who will be identified in the same way. As Club members, it is your right to ask for such identification at any time. This procedure is to ensure Club solidarity and failure to properly identify is grounds for termination.
3. Club membership fees will be due at the end of each month or at the beginning of each year, if you are paying on a yearly contract. Please be sure to keep your payments up to date. Failure to do so may result in fines or termination. We remind you that your membership fees enable your access to top animal specialists, resources, information, and events.
4. All registered animals’ illnesses, surgical procedures, offspring, and other pertinent information must be reported to the Authentic Pet Owners’ Club main office immediately. Detection of a failure to do so may result in a fine or termination from the Club.
5. Although you may not personally recruit members for initiation, you may submit suggestions to the Authentic Pet Owners’ Club Initiation Committee.
6. Be discreet about your esteemed membership in the Authentic Pet Owners’ Club. It is not appropriate to flaunt your membership, nor to ask other animal owners if they themselves are members. Rather, the Club forum has been set up to allow contact between members in a safe and secure format.
Club Calendar
All members of the San Francisco division of the Authentic Pet Owners’ Club are invited to attend any of the scheduled events outlined in this year’s calendar. A reminder to members about the exciting and exclusive events in store for you this month:
Speech by Naturalist Steve O’Bright: Join us for a speech by renowned naturalist Steve O’Bright as he recounts the findings of his recent 6-month excursion to the residual forests of Canada. Steve will be providing the audience with inside information as to what authentic animal activity he observed as well as predictions as to the presence or imminent extinction of various species. Come and use your Club privilege to gain the most current news from one of the leaders in the authentic animal field.
Authentic Animal Care Workshop: Members are welcomed to put knowledge to use in this hands-on workshop covering tips on both basic and advanced animal care for a wide variety of authentic animal species. Learn about new grooming techniques, the most nutritious foods for your animal, how to decipher the most subtle of animal behaviours, and more!
Authentic Animal Accessory Fair: We know you want your prized authentic animals to always be looking their best, so attending this fair is a must! Receive free samples and product demonstrations, meet experts with information on keeping your animal healthy and happy, and see companies debut their brand new animal accessories.
Multiple Authentic Animal Ownership
Although each and every member of the Authentic Pet Owners’ Club is, of course, the proud owner of at least one highly-valued legitimate animal, our most fortunate club members have the great honour of owning multiple authentic animals. It has recently come to light, however, that there are members of the public who are distinctly uncomfortable with such people’s extreme good fortune. Perhaps unaware of the additional time, effort, and expense required of the multiple animal owner, there are those who do not recognize that such owners are deserving of their animals. Moreover, some people, likely those who are upset to own only ersatz animals, have even suggested that the multiple animal owner is in defiance of Mercerism! We at the Authentic Pet Owners’ Club, however, most strongly disagree. Considering their extreme dedication to and adoration of their animals we can confidently say that our multiple animal owners are able to care for the life entrusted to them most expertly. Additionally, we are proud at the Authentic Pet Owners’ Club to warmly tolerate ersatz animal ownership. Members handle non Club-identified animal owners with the appropriate respect, not wanting to embarrass or intimidate the potential ersatz animal owner. This serves as a reminder, however, to our Club members who are multiple animal owners that such a fortunate position must be handled with the utmost care. Flaunting and boasting of status as a multiple animal owner is most strongly discouraged and members should instead communicate with fellow members rather than members of the public regarding their animals.
Ersatz Animals
After the unfortunate but necessary dismissal of one Authentic Pet Owners’ Club member for threatening the group’s solidarity, it seems that a brief note on the nature of ersatz animals and their owners may serve to prevent such an occurrence in the future. Although many animals appear to be truly authentic and as impressive as even your own, members are reminded that ersatz animals abound. These inauthentic animals replicate exactly the look, feel, and smell of real animals, and precisely mimic their eating habits and behaviours. It is for this reason that members are asked, in accordance with Membership Rule #6, to be discreet about membership in the Authentic Pet Owners’ Club. Approaching the owner of what appears to be an authentic animal with discussion of the Club may easily result in the extreme embarrassment of the ersatz owner if they cannot identify as a Club member and the truth of their animal is thereby revealed. Furthermore, such incautious behaviour may also compromise the security of your authentic animal and the quietly outstanding reputation of the Club. Moreover, the Authentic Pet Owners’ Club is proud to benevolently tolerate and generously turn a blind eye on the certain guilt and regret of ersatz animal owners. All members are also asked to recognize the psychological toll ersatz ownership may provoke, and neither directly or indirectly point out the inauthenticity of anybody else’s ‘animal.’ Your esteemed animal ownership is celebrated within the safe confines of authorized Club publications, forums, meetings, and Calendar events for this very reason.
Notable Club Members
Bill Barbour – Longstanding Club member, Bill Barbour, is to be congratulated on his Percheron mare’s recent successful delivery of not one, but two healthy foals! Bill reports that his prized mare, Judy, is doing well and has taken to motherhood expertly. The foals, yet to be named, are one male and one female and both seem of excellent health. Bill declares that although he would never sell Judy he is contemplating selling one of his foals after generous offers were made by several other Club members eager for the chance to own a rare Percheron horse.
Members are reminded that with elite Authentic Pet Owners’ Club membership you are all eligible to receive access to a variety of sought after contacts in the area of authentic animal breeding. Through the Club, members can gain information about how to receive the best possible fertilizing plasma as well as advice and supervision upon contacting the State Animal Husbandry Board. An additional service available to members is a safe and secure forum through which to contact and coordinate with other club members for breeding purposes.
Ed Smith – New Authentic Pet Owners’ Club member, Ed Smith, is acknowledged for his immediate contributions to the Club. Not only is Ed an enthusiastic and dedicated member already, but his brave admissions regarding life as an ersatz animal owner are truly revealing. Ed admits to having previously owned an ersatz cat before finally realizing his long dream of becoming the owner of a stunning male ostrich. Ed recently gave an educational talk to lucky Club members during an Ersatz Awareness, Education and Empathy meeting in which he detailed his own internal struggles suffered while owning an ersatz cat. Now a proud authentic animal owner, Ed credits the Club with saving his sanity, self-respect and social status. You’re welcome, Ed!
Animal Care Network Weekly Care Tip Updates
We with the Animal Care Network understand how important it is to keep your pet looking healthy and well groomed. The following are this week's quick tips, put together by our Network's team of experts. Whether you want to strengthen your relationship with your pet or be the envy of your building, follow the advice outlined below!
Tip #1 Concealment is key.
You all know the anxiety that perpetually lurks near when your pet is an electrical animal. You also know, just as we do, that this insignificance does not in any way diminish your love for it. However, the fear that your animal will be discovered is a dreadful possibility. To keep this possibility as remote as possible, groom your pet properly! Remember to carefully brush your animal and tuck its fur carefully over any electrical switches, which can be done with a regular or more specialized brushes like the Conair Revolution 2090. If your pet is short haired, or has no fur at all, you may want to slightly pull its skin over the area after meals or unusual physical activity. This simple habit can spare you and your loved one (your precious pet) an unpleasant altercation and unnecessary judgment.
Tip #2 Repair Shops Do's and Don'ts.
Quickly detecting a malfunction, you face the necessity of bringing your pet in for an adjustment. If you do not yet have a trusted facility, be careful how you pick one. Dealing with sloppy or even fraudulent practitioners can be extremely distressful for you and your pet. Consider consulting a trusted company, which you may find in the Seattle Catalog of Veterinary Clinics. Consider also calling someone in for home-service; the company can then pick up and deliver your pet back within a couple of days. Remember that your insurance does not cover all procedures and it is important to ask as many questions as you can before making a contract: even asking for proof of accreditation can save you from potential losses and disappointment.
Tip #3 Home recipes: health starts with glossy fur!
We all know what a healthy pet looks like – it is foremost an image of a sparkling, glossy fur! Whether a domestic animal or a more traditional variety, its fur is an important indicator and is the first to catch anyone's eye. But how many of us can really achieve this with our darling? It is important not to give up on attempts at improvement, and consider every recipe; in the end, each animal is individualistic – discover what works for your pet! Consider the yolk and viutri shake! Combine 3 egg yolks, a viutri packet and squeezed lemon juice, blend well together and add to your animal's diet 2-3 time daily. Whether your pet is electrical or real, the blend of vitamins and the egg yolk's “natural glue” properies will work miracles on your pet's fur. Incidentally, this simple recipe has been demonstrated to work on hair-less animals as well, including our favourite turtles and toads – yes folks, it works even on reptiles!
We hope you have enjoyed this week's issue of Weekly Care Tip Updates. Please do not hesitate to contact us with questions or comments!
-Your trusted Animal Care Network
vid. phn.: 798 &3£ J25Z
Buy/Sell Page
WTB - White Colt
Looking to buy a white colt as a gift to my wife for her birthday. Am willing to pay up to $50 000. The colt has to be authentic - no electrics please. E-mail me if you have one. Thanks!
Rabbit for Sale - $1000
Cute, 100% authentic female rabbit for sale. My stepson just moved in and is allergic to it so I am looking to get rid of it. Great deal, price significantly less than Sidney's. Let me know if you are interested.
Real Toad for Sale - Extremely Rare
I have a real toad for sale. I know that Sidney's claims that they are extinct, but I have a contact with a private dealer from Canada. E-mail me for a price.
Sheep for Sale
I have a lovely sheep for sale. I'm willing to sell her for $50. She has tetanus and won't have much longer to live but she could use a lovely home for a few months. Please get back to me if you are interested.
WTB - Raccoon
My Raccoon, Rocky, has just passed away. I'm looking to buy another one, Sidney's is currently out of stock. Am willing to pay up to $40 000. Please contact me if you have one.
Dear Sidney: An Animal Lover's Forum
Dear Sidney,
Last week my wife bought me a small Terrier as a birthday present. I was overjoyed, to say the least, as I had been sorely missing my previous animal companion, an albino rat named Nibbles, since he died last year.
A problem arose, however, when I went to give little Terry a bath yesterday. As I lowered him into the water I could swear I heard a slight hissing and popping noise, after which he promptly leapt out of the tub and ran around in a circle for the next half an hour. I was so frightened it was all I could do to stand on the toilet and shriek in a most distressed voice in hopes he would stop.
Since then he has calmed down significantly, but is now acting very strange. He is often trying to walk on only two legs, won’t eat a thing, and has adopted the bad habit of barking monotonously at regular intervals.
Is there any way of asking my wife, without offending her, if she had somehow given me a mechanical dog instead of a real one? I don’t want to cause a fuss, and I’m sure it would be an honest mistake, but I can’t help but feel he’s somehow shorted out...
Sincerely,
Little Dog Lover
Well, LDL, I think it’s well within your rights to find out if your mutt is an android or not. I’ve heard stories of pet shorting out and turning on their masters when they least expect it. You watch— lack of apetite and strange walking today, gnawing your leg off tomorrow.
If you really don’t want to confront your wife, my suggestion is to turn a hose on the little bugger. A mechanical dog should be waterproof, even if it’s a cheap model, but if this had an effect before you might be able to recreate it and know for sure. If he still acts weird, take him to a vet; they’ll let you know for sure. Don’t let your guard down though! Those rogue andy-animals can be killers!
Dear Sidney,
I recently lost my Schnookums in an itty bitty accident involving a baby carriage and a runaway hotdog stand and I don’t know how to cope. He was a good little pigmy marmoset, the best ever, and my life has been significantly more lonely without him. Mother has said for a while that I should try dating again to have something more important in my life, but I just can’t bring myself to allow anyone to take Shnooky’s place in my heart.
Do you have any advice to help me through this troubled and difficult time?
Thank you,
I Don’t Intentionally Organize Thoughts
My dearest IDIOT,
Unfortunately, there isn’t much you can do but be brave and continue on through the pain. Hot dog stands are the 82nd greatest killer of pets these days, right after falling pianos filled with hair spray. Now, I’m not a doctor, but I’d prescribe a bottle of red wine and a good film, perhaps the old pet lover’s favourite “Homeward Bound 3: the Return from Mars.” That or a good turn with the empathy box; nothing makes you better faster than being beaned in the head with a rock!
Dear Sidney,
I desperately need your help. I’ve been dating this amazing girl for a week now, but I made the horrible mistake of trying to impress her by telling her I had a real live donkey at my house. Of course it was a lie— I only have a sickly little gerbil! I went to all the shops I could find, even the less reputable ones, but the most impressive animal I could find was a blue crested mallard, which is needless to say far from what I’m looking for. Is there any way you can help me from loosing face with the girl of my dreams?!
Yours truly,
Always Searching Somewhere
Oh, ASS, you ass for telling her you had a donkey! That is quite the impressive animal, my friend. Certainly, a mallard is an admirable creature, and I wouldn’t even speak badly about a gerbil, but you are well out of your league here, it seems. My advice? Get her very, very drunk and then invent a ridiculous lie. I have prepared a few for you: I leant it to my cousin for the weekend; it ran away; neighbour’s lion ate it. That should do the trick. Go get ‘er, tiger... er... donkey!
Dear Sidney,
I accidentally killed my daughter’s hedgehog, Pokey. She is away on vacation with her mother for the next week, so I have some time to either find a replacement or create an elaborate forgery. However, both of those things cost money, and seeing as I have some time I thought I would try some more alternative methods before putting down any hard cash. Do you know anything about Voodoo and its capacity to resurrect household pets? How about half cyborg hedgehog?
All the best,
Chad
Well, Chad (if that is your real name), I wouldn’t recommend trying any of the dark arts as a serious method of replacing your daughter’s pet, although such practices are not unheard of these days by some more desperate pet lovers. As for creating a cyborg hedgehog, that, sir, is an abomination and a crime against Mercer. Speaking of which, if you’re living on earth, how do you have a daughter?
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